I think we can all agree that I'm the world's least consistent blogger. Seriously. Just the absolute worst. I'd love to be a witty internet personality, but life keeps happening in wonderfully (and sometimes less wonderfully) distracting ways. So, I'm trying to get back into it again.
I'm in a terribly reflective and dramatic mood. One of those moods that you call up some one who used to be important to you and pour your heart out to them and ask them about their life and where they are in the world. Fortunately, I've done that enough times to know that it never turns out the romantic, cinematic way you think it will and instead usually catches them when they're in a movie or at a bar and they think you're calling to tell them someone died, not just "say hi and catch up". So, I'll turn to the more socially safe (maybe?) method of blogging.
I'm graduating from undergrad in a few months. Which feels awesome and liberating and terrifying and too soon and not soon enough and overall, earth-shatteringly cliché. But at any rate, it's having me think a lot about what I think is important. Who do I want to stay in contact with? Which severed friendships are worth salvaging for the sake of nostalgia? How hard is moving away from the state I grew up in? Am I good enough to make it in a professional market? At what age is it no longer okay to call your parents up crying because you can't figure out how to silence your smoke detector? Was that three years ago? Stuff like that.
Mostly I've been thinking about what kind of a person I want to be and how I want to affect the people around me. I try to figure it out by looking at the things that people around me have done and how they made me feel. I know that people being generally kind and inclusive makes me feel accepted and worthwhile. I know the performers who don't feel a need to prove their worth but rather allow their work to show their talent inspire me more than those who try to cut others down. I also know that I think people who take risks and are willing to fail and be a beginner at things seem a lot braver and learn a lot more than those who sit back and pretend to be smart and experienced from a distance.
I know I want to be a dependable and supportive friend, partner and family member. I know I want to be a hardworking and smart performer and writer. I know I want to tell stories that give people a chance to see the world from another perspective. I know I want to be a good teacher and student. And above all, I never want anyone to feel that they have to earn my kindness and acceptance. And none of these qualities rely on the approval or acceptance of others, so maybe I can spend less of my time to thinking about how others perceive me and whether or not they deem me worthy? I'm hoping finish off my undergrad years by focusing on these goals and letting go of the people and inhibitions that hold me back from them.
Here's to the finish line.
Rhinestones and Feathers,
Caity Shea
