I was just about finished serving tables at the restaurant I work at when one of our dishwashers came in for work. I was refilling the ice bin when I heard a group of people talking about kittens. As anyone who knows me (or has ever talked to me, seen me in public or seen my facebook) could have predicted, my ears perked up and I ran over to see what they were saying. Apparently, there were two ferrel kittens playing under my coworker's car. I quickly finished up my work and ran out to the car to begin what I would call for the rest of the day "Kitten Watch 2013". I climbed the hill up to the parking lot where the car was sitting and dramatically threw myself onto the pavement and crawled under the car (in Khaki's might I add, where's my Tony?) to find two tuxedo kittens, less than a pound each, crawling around the engine of this car. (For the remainder of this section, I'll be referring to the stuff under the hood of a car as the engine, I'm sure we can accept this and take it in stride). I got out a beach towel and downloaded an app that had cat sounds to try to lure the kittens out. One hopped out of the engine (again, bear with me) to check it out and upon seeing me crawled even further into an automotive kitten death trap. By this time I was fully scooted under the car, Wicked Witch of the East style, playing cat sounds from my iPhone and flailing around the strings from my work apron to get the cats out. This being one of my top five least attractive moments in public, naturally a person walks by. He was an older, blue-collar gentlemen that could only be described as a cross between "Rich Uncle Pennybags" from the Parker Brothers' game Monopoly and a homeless person. His quirky fanciness was perfectly accented by his walking companion, a miniature dachshund. For whimsy's sake, let's call this gentleman "Patches".
Patches: Whatcha doing down there?
Me: There's some kittens trapped in the engine!
Patches: How did they get inside the engine?
Me: Well, not the "engine" per se, they're in the-
(Remembering my devastating lack of car knowledge)
Me: I don't know they're under here somewhere.
Patches: Well, let's get 'em out! I'll grab some cat kibble!
(Patches exits potentially never to return again, but indeed, comes back with a cup of cat food)
After grabbing the keys from my lovely and apparently very trusting coworker, my new partner in rescue and I were determined. We popped the hood (see, I know some car lingo) and immediately found one kittens crawling around. I quickly grabbed the kitten and set it in the backseat of my car. At this point we had apparently caused a lot of attention and a police officer pulled up to check out a call about "two people trying to pull animals out of an abandoned car", thus definitively proving the real life lessons of the kindergarden game "telephone".
Luckily, this cop was also a lover of animals herself. After several vigorous attempts, at one point including Patches throwing himself under the hood of the car- literally feet off the ground, we managed to get hold of the other kitten and put them in the backseat of my car as well. The police officer said someone at "dispatch" (I learned cool police lingo too) might want to adopt the kittens, so I followed her up into the bowels of Duluth into some hidden building with a bronze statue of two police officers out front. Not kidding.
Now, I'm not exactly what you might call a "tidy" car owner. Essentially, there was a good chance that beneath art supplies, Yoga mats and energy drinks these kittens would never be heard from again. Eventually we found both kittens curled up under the drivers seat and were able to grab one of the kittens and place them in a box. (Pictured below with a handful of Patches' cat kibble)
Me: Hey, I don't suppose you hypothetically answered a call from a screaming, crying crazy lady who hit a deer a couple months ago...?
(Brief silence)
Officer: Oh... that's you?
Me: Yeah, I'm so sorry. I promise I'm not as much of a menace to the Duluth animal population as it currently seems.
Officer: I did have to shoot the deer by the way.
Me: Oh... okay.
(Continue searching car in silence)
After an hour and a half the police finally determined that the kitten wasn't near the air vents or have anyway of falling out of the car towards a dangerous part of the engine (another suspension of judgment for my terminology) while I drove home. They told me I should put out some canned food and the kitten would naturally crawl out of the dashboard itself. While I didn't believe this was a terribly ideal or probable plan, this kitten had surpassed the entire Duluth police force so I was kind of out of options and drove home.
So, I get home. I decided the best plan of attack was to get the smelliest cat food and put it under the opening it supposedly went in and hid, and then, silently sitting in the driver's seat I played more cat sounds from my iPhone. This event, of course, also ranking in my top 5 least attractive moments in public. Unfortunately, this time I wasn't greeted by a fanciful man with a pocket full of tricks, just sadness and failure. Meanwhile, I built a mini kitten haven in my closet with food, a bed and a litter box made of a package I was sent in the mail. Walter was seriously unimpressed with the entire situation and turned to drinking and prescription pill use. (This picture was entirely accidentally posed and actually taken after he saw the kitten. Dead serious).
The kitten had now been in the dashboard for about two hours and I decided I needed back up from another cat lover and dear friend. My friend and I reached as far up as we could and we felt a furry little paw. Not moving, but there. After screaming and running around the drive way as I was sure I had a dead kitten in my dashboard, we decided to contact 911.. you know, again, and ask if we could go to the fire department.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Me: Hi. Okay, first this isn't an emergency but I was wondering if I could reach the fire department.
Operator: Do you have a fire?
Me: Well, no. Actually I have a kitten. In the dashboard of my car.
Operator: A... what?
Me: A kitten.
Operator: In your where?
Me: In my dashboard.
(Brief pause of stifled laughter)
Operator: Okay. Well. I'll call the fire department and tell them you're on the way.
Me: Great, thank you so much.
Operator: Sure, and you can explain to them how...
Me: How I got a cat stuck in my dashboard? Yeah, I'll explain when I get there.
Operator: Good luck.
So, to the fire department we went. We explained the entire situation to the fireman that greeted us at the door and he said he would explain to his team because and I quote "Let me tell them so they believe it". We pulled into the fire station and were met with three phenomenal firemen who proceeded to disassemble my car until they could see the kitten. The somehow by the grace of god ALIVE kitten. They then took a compressed air gun and shot little bursts of air trying to scare the kitten out of the dashboard, inadvertently getting it more stuck. We continued to disassemble until we got to a point where we could reach the kitten. Problem was, I was the only one with small enough hands to reach it and I only had one shot. I reached my hand into the metal cavern somewhere behind the airbag of my car and pulled a screaming 7 week old kitten out of the car with only minor cuts to my hand and arm. And at last the kitten was safe. (Below the fabulous firemen helping us in our quest)
We took the kitten home and the two siblings instantly snuggled up to each other and fell asleep. The next day we took them to the vet and found out that "Dash" as we affectionately call her is a girl and "Henry David Purreaut" the first and much lower maintenance kitten is a boy. Because of a grant through MN government, kittens found in the 55812 zip code qualify for a free rabies shot, spay/neuter and a $20 feline leukemia test. The kittens tested negative for FeLu and are currently being fostered while they adjust from their trauma and get all fixed up. We are still in the process of figuring out the kitten's forever homes but they will not be separated or given away until they have calmed down and are healthy to do so. And thus ends an incredibly exhausting day and without a doubt the weirdest emergency experience I have ever encountered.
Here's a picture of the safe and happy siblings snuggling in their warm bed:
